A Spanish serenade

When all is said and done, the chickens return to their place in the barn. Mother Hen is by no means an exception. Hers is by the window on the triangle-shaped top of the barn, facing a distant other farm where all the cows and bulls reside.

Her sight might not function well at night but her hearing is razor sharp. Tonight, as with every other night, she sits still, ignorant to what is happening around her. It has been a long day, with the party and all.

She seems occupied. And rightly so. If you listen, really listen, you too can hear that melodious music-to-the-ear-and-the-heart sound of Spanish guitar. It is Emilio’s, the next-barn Spanish bull that can huff and puff like no other.

And if you really really listen, you can hear the tune … no me ames (popularly sung in the human world by J Lo and her what’s-his-name husband). (note to the less exposed to education: No me ames means don’t love me).

As with other nights, Mother Hen starts humming the tune. Her voice is carried over by the wind to the barn next door. Emilio hears that vague familiar chirpy sound that somehow manages to stay in tune to his guitar. He smiles as he knows who that would be. He looks at the barn far away. Their eyes meet.

Their thoughts fly back in time. To the day when Mother Hen ran frantically to chase those naughty chickadees to the cow barn. She bumped into Emilio. Oh the sweet enchanting smell of that bull! Eh-em. We leave it to your imagination how the story on that day continued. (We know that some of you already start fantasizing! Ck ck, do your parents know how wild your imagination works? Worrying)

To cut long story short, from there on, Mother Hen changed her starting year of living as a chicken. Her life started on the day she met Emilio. That was when she started living, loving. But that day was also the day when she left her heart and soul in the next door barn. What is here is only her physical form. An empty feathery shell. How can soul and body live separately in this world?

Awww, such is life. C’est la vie. La vida es asi. It is impossible to be together. For one, well, hello, they are of different familia. One mammals, another aves. What to do, what to do. All she can do is to face the cow barn every evening, listening to that heart-warming serenade from Emilio the Spanish bull.

A chill breeze blows from behind. “I know, Boo, I know,” she smiled and whispered affectionately to Boo, her nickname for Chick-A-Boo. “But I cannot help it. Let me have these moments, at least.”

Another chill breeze blows. This time it is ticklish, playing with the soft feathers of Mother Hen. “He he, yes yes, I am chicken after all,” Mother Hen chuckled.

Then another, warmer breeze blows, as if gently hugging Mother Hen. “Thank you, Boo. Love you, too,” said Mother Hen warmly, quivering, smiling, sighing. Eyes never stray away from the cow barn. Religiously listening to the tune still.

“OMG, OMG, are those like tears we see in like Mother Hen’s eyes?” whispered (not so quietly) the overtly excited 20-odd chickadees, which have been staying low just about two meters behind Mother Hen. They have been there for the last 30 minutes, as they always are every night, to watch this romantic chick lit. We strongly suggest Mother Hen to buy TV or radio instead to provide late-night entertainment for the chickadees.

Honestly. Rude little rascals. Don’t they know that these are private moments? (Note to self: Remind us to dig tonight’s dirts from those rude little rascals tomorrow morning. We want by-the-second details. Exciting!!)

DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance between the characters and persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Or perhaps you are just being so vain. You think this song (story?) is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?

[Pictures taken from here and here.]

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Party planning with David Tortuera

Parties in the Chickendom means only one thing: David Tortuera. (For the less exposed to education ones: tortue is French for turtle. He sometimes alters his name a bit to D. Turtletera when he is in English-speaking markets).

David (pronounced with French accent, naturellement, not English) has been practically THE party planner for all Chickendom’s parties, as chickens are very particular about their parties.

Although he looks extremely slow, David works very fast up here (pointing at chicken head). Some says that he deliberately moves (soooo) slow so that he can always be fashionably late.

He can get the job on time, however, because his team comprise of the fast-moving (but not so fast up here (pointing at chicken head)) rabbits. Yes, we are afraid that the rabbits are still paying for their loss during that famous turtle-rabbit race.

Who do you think invent the chicken dance? Oooh, now we feel like shaking our tails. A one, a two, a three. Flap flap flap (wings), and to the right, one, two three, to the left, one, two, three. Woo hoo!!

Ehm. Now where were we?

And one day, oh oh oh this is so exciting, David was so frustrated because the lighting in the barn did not work. So he just stick his tummy to the barn ceiling and stayed there. When we shot the light to him, what do you know, the carapace (upper shell) reflects to all directions the brightest light possible. We believe humans call this disco ball nowadays.

So today we try to catch up with Le Grande David himself to obtain some top tips on party planning.

Ah, there he is. Standing with his neck stretches high, eyes not focusing, as if waiting for some kind of enlightenment on party theme, with his fashionable high red-white checkered hat and glittery shell. (Is that new tattoo we see near his tail? Um.. what does it say … cannot see well..)

Err, David, can we ask you a couple of questions?
Suureeee. (That’s how he speak. He is slow, you see.)

What are your inspirations in planning a party?
Depppendsssss.

On?
[suddenly fast] On many things, of course, you *uhuk* chicken. Timing: Time of the day, day of the week, week of the month, month of the year. On occasion: new birth, birthday, anniversary, awakening day, or celebrating a chicken who has managed to cross the road for the first time, etc etc. On who is the center of attention: everybody, the elders, YC, The Chicken, Chick-A-Boo, and of course Mother Hen. On the complexion of the chicken skin at that moment. On your budget. On how much time we have. And on my mood, of course.

Any tips to young chickens on how to become great party planners?
That is already three questions. Now go away. I am busy, you *uhuk* poulet. Not very chickeny polite. This turtle.

He turns away but stops short. He looks back (slowly) to the chickens and says (slowly), “I give you one tip though, mon ami. The tip is there is no tip. Like me, you are just born inspirational. Genius. Brilliant.”

“The brilliance in me never ceases,” he says as he turns his head (slowly) and starts walking away again (very slowly). Not very humble. This turtle.

But who needs humbleness when you are that brilliant? The chickens agree one hundred and two percent. *nodding head furiously.* Par-teee!!!

[Pictures taken from here, here,and here. FYI, the first picture is not David. Those are the ninja turtles. Doh!]

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YC saves the day

Alright, alright. We promise that this will be our last entry on The Chicken’s disappearance/return. We mean, who the hen does The Chicken think he is, occupying so much space in this oh-so-important virtual world of ours?

Now where were we.

Days go by. All the chickens are getting more and more restless. You can see by the number of feathers lying about on the floor or the corn beads spread across the yard (as the chickens run about haphazardly trying to gain as much gossip as possible from other chickens).

Naturally, Mother Hen is not amused with all the mess caused. “Chirp chirp chirp,” she said. “CLUCK!! chirp chirp.” “CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!!!” (even mother has her limit of tolerance. Very low, actually).

To put an end to this, the elders (minus Chick-A-Boo, he still cannot care less about all this commotion) have summoned Yellow Chickey (YC as she is commonly called by the flock) to investigate whether that weird chicken is the true Chicken. (What’s weird about The Chicken being weird? Honestly, elders. Weird is normal).

So that dawn YC sneaks quietly behind the pillar just beside the Chicken’s spot in the barn. She knows The Chicken has a certain procession for waking up. (Don’t ask us how she knows, she just does). YC sits stills. And wait. And wait. Staring affectionately at her sleeping knight in shining armor. Occasional long sighs come out of her tiny beak.

Until finally, after what we feel like endless hours (12 minutes to be exact), The Chicken moves. Oh, false alarm. He falls asleep again. Grrrgggh. Then other countless hours passed by (6 minutes to be exact), he moves again. Slowly he opens his sleepy eye lids. YC straightens her seating posture (Yogis call this the perfect lotus) and pays close attention to his moves.

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Three times. So far so good. She waits a bit more. Scrattchchchchchch. Yes, the long one. Good. The Chicken spreads his wings, raises his body high high high, and boom. He sits again. Good. Now the final touch. The moment of truth.

The Chicken extends his right wing to under his hays. He takes out a brown bottle. YC smiles knowingly. Then thud, thud, thud. He puts on three dabs of his oh-so-familiar-to-YC CADE youth concentrate lotion all over his face and body. Thumb. Another joyful dab for luck (The Chicken is very superstitious).

YC smiles very very widely. She runs, still very quietly, to the yard, where apparently the rest of the unwavering flock are sitting impatiently waiting for the verdict.

YC shows her face. Beak first, then the rest of the face. Smiling brightly. She does not have to say anything. The chickens know. Cute YC never lies. She is not able to (poor chick, may we suggest a quick lesson of life with Chick Tune). The wide smile says it all.

Y’all know what that means. Parrrr- teeeeeee!!! (we mean, party). The way only the chickens know. Led by the ones and only: Chick Tune and Big Bro Chicken. But the star of the party today is none other than yours truly: YC. Bring it on!

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Is it really The Chicken?

The sun has not shown its full round face yet, but the chickens are already up. Can it be? Can it really really be? The words are out. The Chicken is back!! In flocks and groups, they all run out of their coop to the yard. Woosh.

And what do you know, there he is. The pride handsome rooster himself. In flesh and blood (and feathers, of course). The Chicken.

Yet something feels odd. He smells different. He looks different. The skin tone is much lighter. The beak shinier (some think it seems bigger than usual, like cousin Pelican). The smile wider. His eyes are unfamiliarly friendlier. No smug, no cynical smirk. Instead, kind and friendly glare.

This is too much. Is it really our beloved so-much-missed Chicken? Suspicions arise. Words spread. Even distant families of aves are gossiping (see left).

There has been some alleged sightings of The Chicken. Some even accuse Yellow Chickey as an accomplice. (see below. Hmm.)

Yellow Chickey! Aha! She must have known something. The lazy young chick is still sound asleep in her warm coop, indifferent of what has been going on.

Hens and roosters run hastily to the young chick, shedding off some pounds and feathers along the way. A funny picture if you see them running from behind. Cluck cluck.

But who cares? Much more pressing issue is at hand.

The elders and not-so-elders are now standing before the sleeping beauty. She opens her tiny innocent eyes. The sleepy eyes are now wide awake. Jolted by fear for the worst. What? What??

Nothing. Just curios. Go back to sleep. We’ll talk later.

And the day continues. Strange flock, those chickens.

[Pics taken from here and there.]

[The Chicken [still in hidden mode]: Happy chickday, Hun! *couldn’t resist*]

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Celebrating The Chicken Awakening Day

It is that time of the year again, where chickens all over the world celebrate its Awakening Day. A day when chickens–chicks, hens and roosters alike–join all farm animals to commemorate the dawn of their enlightened period and the start of their revolution, as depicted in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. (Yes, good old chap George was not writing fiction. No sir, he was not.)

The chickens, awakened. Can you imagine how impossibly early the chickens need to wake up on that day? *sigh*

At the Chickendom, however, this year’s celebration is pretty somber, as The Chicken’s whereabout is yet to be known. Still, tradition is tradition. The show must go on, as chirpy should-have-realized-their-age-more Chick and Dale say.

So the chickens lazily came out from their own warm fluffy comfy all-natural organic hay bed at wee hour in the morning (if you can call such hours morning) to gather around the holy fire and ponder upon life. Solemn. Silent. With occasional ineffable “zzzzz pfeeew zzzz” sounds.

Then comes the peak of the procession, where each and every chicken makes its symbolic sacrifice. Each chicken plucks out a single gentlest feather from its back (just to make it more challenging) and throws it into the fire.

As the last feather touches the tip of fire, all together, the chicken screamed from the top of their lungs, “coo-ko-roo-cooo…uhuk uhuk” (some just simply try too hard). Enthusiastic bunch, they are.

A procession that is least liked by Chick-a-boo. (Chick-a-boo: “Try living for hundreds of years, where every single year you have to pluck out one feather from your body.” Of course, understandable.) The rebellious elderly continues to crawl like a fragile baby chick at his corner. The top right corner of the barn attic, just above the Chicken’s bed.

Owh, The Chicken. Everybody starts to acknowledge (silently in his/her heart) that they miss him. Awakening Day is not an awakening day without him. Nobody can make fire like he does (he always manages to get his own tail on fire) or play banjo like he does (everybody else is better, even the one-day year old chick).

[Hey, the scent. A familiar scent. Can it be The chicken has returned? Perhaps.. Then the wind blows. And the scent vanishes. Hope is just what it is: hope.]

As all return to their own coop, Yellow Chickey slips to hers. She takes out what seems to be old dilapidated feathers– they are Chicken’s. She keeps them tucked safely under her bed for good luck charm and tingling sensation. Everybody has to believe in something, a (rather) wise human once said. Even if it is old scruffy ramshackle feather of a no-good chicken. *strange*

The murky mystery still lurks from the dark corner of the barn. Where is The Chicken?

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Where is Chicken????

The Chicken has gone AWOL. Once again. Nobody knows where he is. His must-have necklace has been found lying about with no chicken neck to hang on to.

A couple of years ago similar thing happened. Chicken was missing. His driver came forward and brought the necklace. With a serious look, he said, “This is all that is left,” holding out the necklace which has almost been the C’s signature.

After a serious long winding investigation, at that time, it was found out that the Chicken was indeed being kidnapped. Fortunately, bargains were made and the chicken was returned in good health.

This time, however, nobody knows for sure. Anything can happen to the feisty one. Yes, sometimes being a celebrity has its own risks.

Yellow Chickey was too sad to make any comment. She just stares blankly from within her glass barn. Aw, she misses him. That old stubborn stupid feathered smug.

Other chickens start to make assumptions and bets. After all, The Chicken is notorious for diminishing from the face of the earth. “Perhaps he finally has lost it,” they say. “Maybe he has had enough of us.” And a thousand and more odd allegations flying about (although being chicken, they cannot fly far, or that high either for that matter).

The situation is bloodcurdling, to say the least. Even the ever-so-wise-and-cheeky chick-a-boo, the unseen chicken, does not say a thing.

Although, some chicks claimed that chick-a-boo has that knowing suspicious typical smirk of his. A smile that can be interpreted as the seer wishes.

Such claim, of course, is baseless. How can one (chick) see the smile of the great unseen? Crazy young chicks. Perhaps too much whisken or narcochick during weekends (and school nights as well).

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Away at the mo

Hey you. Thanks for visiting. The chickens are away to find worms, peck dust, have a bird bath, or whatever chickens do.

If you are feeling fried, all cooped up, stressed out by the pecking order, or if you feel like you’ve been laying a lot of eggs lately, you can ruffle your feathers here and leave your messages, if you wish.

But not too long. We’re busy.

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